


Observing

by writingtoreachyou



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Harvey crumbles, Honesty, M/M, Panic Attacks, a lot of thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8837911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingtoreachyou/pseuds/writingtoreachyou
Summary: The lovely and extremely talented Sway asked for a fic about their first Christmas together, preferably related to the recent season (Season 6, after the midseason finale). While that was not a must, I found the idea especially appealing. This deals with the aftermath of what prison time did to Harvey and Mike and how it affects their Christmas.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sway/gifts).



> Rated "mature" simply for emotional reasons.

One week until Christmas Eve, wasn’t that unreal? Didn’t that feel light-years away? Yes, it was cold. Yes, people talked about nothing else but presents and family dinners but in here, in these four walls, it seemed so fake. So unimportant. It showed that, out in the world, life just went on as if nothing had happened, as if the last 12 months hadn’t been a living hell. As if it hadn’t changed everything.

Harvey stood in the door and watched Mike make breakfast with a stoic routine that he had noticed about him before – he wasn’t sure he liked it very much. It was a reminder of that painful time. Those awful weeks he tried to push to the back of his head as hard as he could, never to come out again.  
He was surprised that he hadn’t suffered from any panic attacks lately, when Mike hadn’t been there, when he had been in that place. He had fought so hard to get him out, keep him safe, stay true to his words that he would always be his friend that he had neglected his own needs.

No.

Correction: Mike being safe, free and happy was his own need. It had become a part of him, the last thought at night before finally dozing off to a restless sleep, the first in the morning when he’d sat up alarmed, realizing that he had failed him again because Mike was still locked away.  
Three weeks.

It had only been. Three. Weeks.

He had to remind himself of that. Constantly.

Because to Harvey it had felt like such a lifetime. More than one. He had aged at least 20 years in the course of those weeks, had thrown all his principles overboard; he'd lied and cheated his way through life to finally find a way to get Mike out. Out of loyalty. Brotherly love.

And guilt. Of course guilt.

Yet his heart hadn’t stopped beating, he hadn’t fainted. He had taken all the blows, all the accusations, because he had known that Mike always had and always would, count on him. Besides, who could have known that things didn’t end the moment they shook hands in front of those gates? Who could have possibly imagined that the relationship between Rachel and Mike would shatter to pieces merely two months after his release because neither of them could cope with their changed realities? Mike’s changed behavior. As if those three weeks in jail, along with all the shame, the fears and captivity hadn’t already taken their toll on him! Kicking a man who’s already down, Harvey couldn’t understand the lack of compassion, patience and… yes, love.

Rachel had tried to be there, to work for the case to get Mike out of jail whenever she could, Harvey shouldn’t be as angry with her as he still felt but Mike had experienced enough hurt. She shouldn’t have added to it. Had she really loved him the way she had always claimed to, she surely would have been more supportive - right? Was he too harsh on her? Too protective? Too upset that anyone could do that to a person he cared so deeply about and who was clearly struggling with what life had thrown at him and needed a partner in crime to help him deal with it?  
Then again, if they hadn’t split up, Mike wouldn’t be here and Harvey wouldn't have realized that he…

“You know, if you plan on becoming a guard, you need to work on your posture,” Mike tilted his head and looked at him teasingly.

Harvey hated these kind of jokes but he knew that they were part of Mike’s coping mechanism, so he just swallowed it down and smiled, approaching the other man, wrapping his arms around his torso before kissing him gently, “I don’t recall you complaining about my posture last night.”

“Last night you weren’t standing in the doorway observing me.” Mike kissed him back and winked.

“Trust me, I was observing you – just up close,” Harvey ran one hand through Mike’s hair while the other one rested on his back.

“Full body search, I see!” Mike raised his eyebrows and grinned against his lip before he slowly pulled back and looked at Harvey, a lot more seriously all of a sudden.  
There it was again.  
The cloud.  
The change.

Harvey always felt like he had to be quick on his feet to be able to catch Mike just before he fell but he had vowed to himself that that’s what he’d do for as long as it’d take. They were in this together and they would deal with the highs and lows. He briefly ran his hand up and down Mike’s spine to encourage him to talk but he remained silent for now.  
When the younger man had moved in after the ugly break up three months ago, Harvey had put everything else on hold for him. He had worked, yes, because he knew that Mike would insist and eventually he’d convince him to take him up on that offer to work together again. He got that it was still too soon, he was still dealing with what he had seen and felt behind bars and Harvey respected that. But if he hadn't started picking up the pieces when Mike had gotten out of jail, there wouldn’t be a company to come back to. So Harvey had taken a lot of deep breaths, done a lot of pep talks to himself in front of the mirror and kicked his ass through a lot of doors to keep going while Mike had spent his days trying to recover.

And that’s how it still was: As soon as the last patent claim was filed and the last merger agreement drafted, he’d drop his pen and head straight home – sometimes picking up a movie the old fashioned way, or a beer, or a snack, or all three of them.

Maybe that’s why he still hadn’t broken down. Why he hadn’t had that panic attack that was lurking in the background, ready to have a go, Harvey still hadn’t allowed himself a moment to breathe. Not while Mike was still fighting. Not while the spark in his eyes was still missing.  
No time for weakness.  
Not now.  
Later. Maybe later. No, definitely later. Not now.

Harvey set the table, carried the freshly made scrambled eggs over and they both sat down and ate in silence. He could tell that something was on Mike’s mind but he didn’t want to push it. Speaking your mind was something you got beaten out of you in prison very quickly, Harvey knew that. And he also knew what kind of person Frank Gallo had been, so those cautious moments didn’t surprise him – even though they still caught him a little off-guard sometimes. Hell, he knew that he wasn’t the kind of person to talk about feelings, he was more a man of actions but sometimes he wished he could be different, better for Mike.

He tried the scrambled eggs and said warmly “They are delicious, rookie!”  
Maybe it would break the ice a little.

“Thanks,” Mike smiled carefully and ate some more “It’s just so much better when you have butter for the pan, in jail we had to use oil most of the times, it’s not quite the same…”

“Well, I’ll make sure to always have butter around then,” Harvey replied openly and wished he didn’t have to talk about food but the stuff that was actually really bothering Mike. The cutlery scratching across the plates suddenly seemed so loud to Harvey that it began to bother him. He stopped eating.

“You’re observing me again, Mr Specter,” Mike pointed out.

Harvey put fork and knife down, “I always thought I had a decent poker face.”

Mike just looked at him, obviously waiting for an explanation, a little worried but still trustful and Harvey exhaled loudly, “Fine. I was observing you… I can’t shake the feeling that something’s bothering you.”

There it was again, the tiny gnaw on the bottom lip. Had he done that before his time in Danbury? Harvey wasn’t sure. He definitely did it a lot nowadays when he felt caught or exposed.

“No, no, it’s okay, I’ve meant to bring this up… I don’t really know how… I don’t want to seem like an ungrateful bastard but…”

ALERT.  
There it was, his heart raced, cold sweat broke out and he could hardly breathe.  
No.  
Not a panic attack.  
Not now.  
Mike needed him. He had to be strong. He had to function. _Let the thought pass like a cloud. Breathe regularly. Let it go by and nothing will happen. You are healthy. You are strong._

“Harvey…?” Mike reached for his hand across the table. “Harvey, are you alright?”  
He felt numb and tingly at the same time, out of body yet overly present. He felt Mike squeezing, noticed him get up and pulling him to his feet, humming soothingly.  
Oh God.  
Not now. Not today. Not ever.  
He had to function. He had to.  
Mike needed him.

He felt tears jump to his eyes – had he ever cried in front of Mike? Had he ever admitted his weakness, his very own fears, his guilt? He had tried to be there, be the strong part in all of this but now he tilted. In front of the person who needed him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he whispered while his entire body shook under the force of the panic, the adrenaline washed right through him and there was nothing he could do.

“Hey, don’t be silly, there is nothing to be sorry about, it’s okay, I’m right here…” Mike replied very gently and held him in a firm embrace, “I’m right here… you don’t have to be the hero, you know? We’re a team… Just let go… it’s okay… it’s all okay…”

Harvey had no idea for how long he had cried like this, like a baby in Mike’s strong arms (he had definitely built up some muscles in jail). But when he was done, he felt empty, his head was in the clouds and everything was wrapped in cotton. Mike led him to the couch and sat down next to him “Where did that one come from?” he asked seriously and Harvey sighed exhausted. He still had trouble speaking because his breathing was off “The… last year…” He couldn’t continue but Mike nodded.

“I know… That’s what I wanted to talk about… I know that Christmas is coming up and… Donna called me to tell me that you planned on inviting everyone around, as a little surprise… And I appreciate it, I know why you did that… I just…”

Mike ran his fingertips along Harvey’s arm “Don’t you think it’s too much for us?” He pressed his lips together, took a deep breath and explained “I wanted to ask you not to do it because I felt it was… overwhelming… and… too much pressure for me but…” He kissed Harvey’s forehead before he continued. “...this…” he vaguely waved through the air to indicate that he was talking about the panic attack that was still very present “…this shows me it’s also too much for you… I don’t want to… God, how should I say this?”

He ran his hand briefly through his hair, this serious, more thoughtful, less impulsive side of his was also a lot more prominent since Danbury.

“I don’t want you to burn out, Harvey. I need you and I worry. You know… I only have one wish this Christmas. And that is spending it with you. No big party, no fancy dinner, that just feels wrong after everything. Just…”

“Us…” Harvey replied quietly, feeling very tired now that the adrenaline had left his body.

“Just us, yes,” Mike nodded and snuggled up against him, “And I want to cook and spoil you and kiss under the mistletoe and invent a Christmas tradition for many years to come…”

Harvey smiled and closed his eyes, his partner’s hand in his. When he had talked about his wishes, he had almost sounded like the old Mike.

“I like the ‘for many years to come’ part,” he replied contently and inhaled deeply.

“Oh, you better because that part is not up for debate… And if you’ve been a nice boy, I might even let you observe me!”

“Up close?” Harvey asked with a cheeky grin.

“You bet up close!” Mike chuckled softly.

** ** **

Harvey leaned against the doorframe to their bedroom – Mike was right, he seemed to be doing that all the time these days. The other man was fast asleep and smiling and he finally allowed himself to stop thinking, just for this one moment.  
He just observed.

Calling off their Christmas dinner had been the best idea Mike had had in a while. Instead of stressing out about gifts, food, wine, meeting people you hadn’t seen in ages and tiptoeing around certain topics that were still difficult for both Mike and Harvey, they had spent the day in trainers and plain shirts, ordered Chinese and watched all Christmas classics from “Home Alone” to “Scrooged”. Harvey had never been much of a Christmassy person but he had even bought mistletoe. Despite the wish to just have ‘them’ for Christmas, Mike had snuck out to organize a small Christmas tree that he decorated with red and golden ornaments and a chain of lights, so it hadn’t been like any other day. But that had been all.

Mike had admitted at some point that Christmas in jail was a prospect he had been most scared of and Harvey had swallowed and pulled him very close without saying a word. He couldn’t even begin to imagine… It had been an honest Christmas. Without masks or false pretenses. He couldn’t remember ever having opened up to another person like that and he would keep this in his heart forever. They had talked, cuddled, kissed, made love and started all over again and after, when they’d been sweaty, spent and high on endorphins, Mike had snuggled up against him and mumbled “Thank you” against his skin.

“We still need to invent a Christmas tradition for many years to come,” Harvey had pointed out sleepily and lazy.

“Oh, I wouldn’t mind doing this every year…” Mike had smirked contently before he had dozed off to sleep.  


*******

  
“Oh, he’s doing it again!” Mike stretched and looked at Harvey “…but great posture!”

He chuckled and threw a pillow in Harvey’s direction, hitting him in the chest. Harvey laughed and jumped on top of the sheets, lying on his side and grinning at Mike, “Morning, sleepyhead!”

“Hey…”

There was something in his eyes.  
A spark Harvey hadn’t seen in a very long time.  
And then he knew: Mike, his Mike, was slowly coming back.


End file.
